Green Christmas

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Forget about Blue and Red states. This time of year what it really comes down to is White and Green states. And Snow. Either you have it or you don’t. We don’t. And quite frankly, Im really tired of hearing about it.

“It’s the hap, happiest season of all! There’ll be parties for hosting.”

Yeah, I’m with you.

“Marshmallows for toasting…”


“And caroling out in the snow.”

Wait a minute! See, that right there is what I’m talking about. A nice little seemingly innocuous song about the wonders of holiday cheer and then they had to throw in that stuff about snow. Like Christmas caroling isn’t enough without frozen precipitation on the ground!”

“In the meadow we can build a snowman.”

I can’t! There’s no snow in my meadows! And no one-horse open sleighs, either. And take a listen to this cruel little ditty from 1954’s movie White Christmas:

“What is Christmas with no snow? No white Christmas with no snow. Snow, Snow, Snow!”

That hypnotic and subversive:

Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow, SNOW!”

What is Christmas with no snow? It’s still Christmas! I mean look at Hawaii and non-mountainous areas of California, not to mention pretty much the entire Southern hemisphere who’s having Summer right now! And I’m not alone, here. Just show up at any Christmas party in a warm climate and take a poll. I found Tori Rebman and Shannon Root at a party in Chelsea, Alabama.

“I saw something in our neighborhood they’ve invented now,” says Tori. “You can actually get some lights that reflect onto your house to make it look like snow falling on your house, because they have it in my neighborhood! It’s these lights, it’s really attractive!”

Does anyone else see this as, I don’t know, self-loathing, we just can’t accept what Christmas is like down here, that now we’re having to buy lights that make it look like fake snow – I mean are we that pathetic?

“I don’t know,” Shannon laughs. “I guess we’ve just been taught that since we were children. I’ts just we’ve been convinced by the media. That we have to have snow at Christmas.”

Yeah, BRAINWASHED is more like it! Care to take a guess what’s on her Christmas cards?

Shannon confesses. “Well, I do have a snowman on my Christmas card… it’s a snowman riding a sleigh. Laughing, I know!”

So, what I hear you saying is that you’re filled with a lot of self-loathing and hatred or you’re in denial.

“I’m in denial, apparently,” says Tori. “I just can’t accept it. That must be what it is.”

“Well, maybe it’s just that we feel that maybe one of these days it really will snow on Christmas,” admits Shannon. “And we just hope, and think about it enough, it will actually happen one day, and we’ll finally have a perfect Christmas.”

Oh! It’s hopeless! A “perfect” Christmas, but only WITH snow. Just like in It’s a Wonderful Life. After attempting suicide on Christmas Eve, George Bailey begs for his life back, seemingly, in vain.

“I want to live again! I want to live again! I want to live again! Please God, let me live again.”

And then, a gentle snowflake wafts down. First one, and then another, and then George is back, running through town, through the falling flakes.

“Yay! Hello Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, George!”

The thing is, these movies and songs are made by people in Hollywood, a place who’s annual snowfall is like: ZERO. So, where are OUR movies? OUR songs?

Well, don’t go looking for them among your own kind. Even the country group Alabama gets it wrong:

“Christmas in Dixie. It’s snowing in the pines.”

No, it’s not. It’s NOT snowing in the pines. But it’s Christmas here, too. Please, someone, help us out!”